Tech Support Help!

Dear Systems Administrator



I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing, and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and Billiards 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected
Saturday Basketball 6.3 always fails and Saturday Shopping 1 runs
instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst
attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this
program. Can you please help??


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REPLY

Dear Customer,



This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife1.0
is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM , whereas Wife 1.0 is
an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are
unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual
under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).



Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and
deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems
occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ I
APOLOGIZE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be
necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGIZE a number of times but hopefully
eventually the operating system will return to normal.



Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do NOT under any
circumstances install Secretary 2.1(Short Skirt Version) , as this is
not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost
certainly crash.



Best of luck.

These "silly tech support calls " have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.
They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. How 'bout you?

**********

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female custome r: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer : Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Get the right computer - 1
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, You've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Change of Mind
Customer: I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me.'
Advisor: 'I will remove them for you.'
Customer: 'How do I get them back when she is not in?'

Local difficulty
Customer: My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in.
Advisor: Has he forgotten it?
Customer: No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him.

Language difficulty
Customer: 'How do you spell 'Internet America' ? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net' ?'
Tech Support: 'No space between 'inter' and 'net' . It's spelled normally.'
Customer: 'Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?' Tech Support: 'That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A.'
Customer: 'I-C-K???'
Tech Support: 'A as in apple'
Customer: 'There's no 'K' in apple!'

No comment
Customer: I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone number?

1) Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!'

2) Advisor: 'Press any key to continue.
Customer: I can't find the 'Any' key.

3) Great Vision
3a) Tech Support: 'Ok, in the bottom left of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
3b) Advisor: Can you click on 'My Computer'?
Customer: I don't have your computer, just mine.
3c) Advisor: You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem.
Customer: Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?
3d) Customer: My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but they can't see me.
Advisor: What brand is your webcam?
Customer: What's a webcam?

4) No Saving Grace
Customer: 'All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!'
Tech Support: 'Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?'
Customer: 'No, I don't . I just know it was on my C: drive.'
Tech Support: 'Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files.'
Customer: 'I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday.'

5) Tricky Install
Customer: 'Do I need a computer to use your software?'
Tech Support: 'Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?'
Customer: 'Yes.'
Tech Support: 'All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?'
Customer: 'How?'
Tech Support: 'Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer.'
Customer: 'Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this'
Tech Support: 'Um yes, that might be an idea.'

6) Customer: My iPod will only play one song.
Advisor: Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?
Customer: Do I need to download tracks?

7) Tech Support: 'Have you made backups of your software and data?'
Customer: 'I didn't know it had a reverse.'

Customer: How do I change channel on my monitor?
Advisor: Your monitor won't have channels like a TV.
Customer: But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing channel.

9) Customer: My mouse mat isn't wired up.
Advisor: I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires.
Customer: Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?